Friday, April 10, 2015
Saturday, April 4, 2015
What some state officials hope will be a boost to the struggling state economy, officials confirm Rhode Island has emerged as the front runner to host the 2016 "Illegal Alien " Summer Olympic Games. " We put together a very competitive bid and feel very strongly about our chances", said one official with the new formed group, RI-IAgames2016. " We are obviously very excited at the prospect of thousands of illegals from around the country, traveling to Rhode Island to compete. To be honest, our biggest worry, is whether or not they would leave after the games," said one official. Although the planning involves staging events throughout the entire state, Providence would be the focal point and the center of the "Illegal Alien Olympic " village. A top official said one sticking point is the amount of state money that would be needed to not only host such an event but also fly all the athletes to Rhode Island. One planning committee member said, " granted the taxpayers would be on the hook for a up to $10 million dollars to pull this effort together, but just think of the exposure it would give us as a state for tourism. " Our group, RI-IAgames2016, will need the people of Rhode Island to step up and cover the cost, because remember, these athletes and their extended families are not use to paying for anything." Officials refuse to confirm if the cost of translators would be over one million dollars.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
State officials were celebrating a potential pension settlement deal, but not everyone is happy with the final results. Hidden in the settlement is a clause that "stops all payments" once a person reaches the age of 90 years old. When confronted with the new clause, a person close to the settlement said," we had to cut it somewhere and 90 years old seemed like a fair age." Officials recommended those in their late eighties, who plan to live longer, should prepare by buying clothes, shoes, magazines, medicine and anything else they may need until they die. " A top official said," the state is not stopping anyone from living over the age of 90, they can live to 150 years old for all we care, but we are just not going to be paying for it."An aid to Governor Raimondo did not think the Governor was made aware of the new provision but felt it was an opportunity for families to remain "close to Grandma" since seniors would have no source of income once they hit that milestone. Many seniors were irate at the new provision , designed to leave the state more revenue. " I am 92, in good health, and my only daughter lives in Ohio," said Arlene Reilly of Warwick. " I enjoy my home, still drive, and I depend on my pension. I feel they are pushing me into my grave."State officials said the saved revenue could be put in hedge funds for future state investments. " These people need to realize they are not going to live forever, and the senior gravy train is coming to a halt," said a pension officer.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
In a surprise move that even caught President Obama off guard, Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo has announced plans for the states first ever " Illegal Alien day." Governor Raimondo said," I think it is time we recognize them for the courage and bravery they displayed by sneaking into our country illegally." The Governor said plans are still in the works for what exactly will be done , but hinted it will be something very special. " We already celebrate VJ Day in August, so maybe something like " IA"( illegal alien) day in September around the beginning of school" said Raimondo. The Governor hinted at a special Waterfire lighting and " Green Cards" raffled off. " I want every illegal alien to enjoy a Del's lemonade, clam cakes and chowder," proclaimed the Governor.
This is an April fool story.
DePetro.com: Fox to become Speaker of the "big" house: It was all tears on the steps of the court house as Gordon Fox admitted he was the liar and crook we all knew him to be. Grief couselor...