tag line

Where humor, satire, exaggerations and embellishment meet the news.

Friday, April 10, 2015

President Chafee? #GUMP2016


President Gump?

How can we miss him if he won't go away? Proving once and for all he is completely delusional, Lincoln Chafee announces he is exploring a Presidential run for 2016. Our beloved "Gump" will hit the national stage and challenge Hillary for the Democratic nomination to run for President of the United States. Chafee , who has become the state punchline , had the impressive approval rating of a whopping 25% when he decided to not seek a second term as Governor. Chafee basically ran the state into the ground and now he promises to do the same for the entire country. The Chafee years were painful with high unemployment, no direction, no leadership, and a war on Christmas.  Chafee ought to be a big  hit in Iowa when he announces his first order of business will be taking down the White House Christmas tree.  Will Chafee draw huge crowds in New Hampshire when they catch wind of his failed tax plans? Yes, huge crowds of voters running away from him. It is beyond comical that Gump actually thinks he is qualified to run for President when he was clearly over his head as governor. Chafee was not bad as governor he was a disaster as governor. How do you run for president when 75% of the voters in your home state are against you? Chafee is a horrendous public speaker, horrible at retail politics, he has zero charisma and has no personality or likeability. Politics in Iowa and New Hampshire are up close and personal and that is where Chafee is  the weakest Linc. If he wins, does Mollis get to live in the White House? 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Rhode Island a finalist to host " Illegal Alien" Summer Olympic Games




What  some state officials hope will be a boost to the struggling state economy, officials confirm Rhode Island has emerged as the front runner to host the  2016 "Illegal Alien " Summer Olympic Games. " We put together a very competitive bid and feel very strongly about our chances", said one official with the new formed group, RI-IAgames2016. " We are obviously very excited at the prospect of thousands of illegals from around the country, traveling to Rhode Island to compete. To be honest, our biggest worry,  is whether or not they would leave after the games," said one official. Although the planning involves staging events throughout the  entire state, Providence would be the focal point and the  center of the  "Illegal  Alien Olympic " village.  A top official said one sticking point is the amount of state money that would be needed to not only host such an event but also fly all the athletes to Rhode Island. One planning committee member said, "  granted the taxpayers would be on the hook for a up to $10 million dollars to pull this effort together,  but just think of the exposure it would give us as a state for tourism. "  Our group, RI-IAgames2016, will need the people of Rhode Island to step up and cover the cost, because remember, these athletes and their extended families are not use to paying for anything." Officials refuse to confirm if the cost of translators would be over one million dollars. 


Thursday, April 2, 2015

Pension settlement shocker: money stops at age 90

Sorry Grandma 

State officials were celebrating a potential pension settlement deal, but not everyone is happy with the final results. Hidden in the settlement is a clause that "stops all payments" once a person reaches the age of 90 years old. When confronted with the new clause, a person close to the settlement said," we had to cut it somewhere and 90 years old seemed like a fair age." Officials recommended those in their late eighties, who plan to live longer, should prepare by buying clothes, shoes, magazines, medicine and anything else they may need until they die. " A top  official said," the state is not stopping anyone from living over the age of 90, they can live to 150 years old for all we care, but we are just not going to be paying for it."An aid to Governor Raimondo did not think  the Governor was made aware of the new provision  but felt it was an opportunity for families to remain "close to Grandma" since seniors would have no source of income once they hit that milestone. Many seniors were irate at the new provision , designed to leave the state more revenue. " I am 92, in good health, and my only daughter lives in Ohio," said Arlene Reilly of Warwick. " I enjoy my home, still drive, and I depend on my pension. I feel they are pushing me into my grave."State officials said the saved revenue could be put in hedge funds for future state investments. " These people need to realize they are not going to live forever, and the senior gravy train is coming to a halt," said a pension officer.




Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Governor announces Illegal alien day in Rhode Island

In a surprise move that  even caught President Obama off guard, Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo has announced plans for the states first ever " Illegal Alien day." Governor Raimondo said," I think it is time we recognize them for the  courage and bravery they displayed by sneaking into our country illegally." The Governor said plans are still in the works for what exactly will be done , but hinted it will be something very special. " We already celebrate VJ Day in August, so maybe something like " IA"( illegal alien) day in September around the beginning of school" said Raimondo.  The Governor hinted at a special Waterfire lighting and " Green Cards" raffled off. " I want every illegal alien to enjoy a Del's lemonade, clam cakes and chowder," proclaimed the Governor. 

This is an  April fool story.

DePetro.com: Fox to become Speaker of the "big" house

DePetro.com: Fox to become Speaker of the "big" house: It was all tears on the steps of the court house as Gordon Fox admitted he was the liar and crook we all knew him to be. Grief couselor...

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Is Gina the new Chafee?

We are almost at the first 100 days for Governor Raimondo and so far the results are pretty underwhelming. The roads in the state are a mess with massive potholes and although the snow mounds are melting, at least the snow was covering up all the litter. The new governor is " too busy" to read a report on the state saving over $100 million on the cost of fire protection, yet she has time for her "Governor for the day" contest. There are still no " cranes in the sky" anywhere in the state, and the stench of corruption is still putrid in the air from former Speaker Gordon Fox. Much like Chafee, Raimondo seems more interested in her progressive agenda than moving the state forward from a business sense. The people of the state need and want drastic change, yet Raimondo seems only interested in placating the unions and taking " baby steps" towards any real fundamental changes. Much like Chafee, Governor Raimondo seems oblivious to how frustrated people are and outraged with the lack of honest leadership. The secrecy of "behind closed door" meetings with the pension settlement has had  a terrible negative effect on Raimondo since she is known as the " pension lady." Although the governor has reached out to the senate and the house, they seem more interested  in finding ways to get around her as oppose to working with her. Boston is like a " boom town" with building, growth and hopes of becoming an international city. Providence remains a ghost town filled with old, empty buildings and acres of empty land that nobody seems to want. Much like Chafee, Raimondo won election with only 40% of the vote and has not done anything to expand her base of voter support. Listen to John DePetro weekdays on WPRO.